My Grown-Up Workload Is High As Expected
by Prominis
Summary: Hikigaya's ramblings as an adult, in the form of a nifty computer journal he writes in to pass the time. Or not do work, since that happens just as often.
1. My Introduction Is Bland As Expected

**Alright, finally a Hikigaya-centric fic. We need more of these. Or do we? We don't really know much about him at all.**

**My Introduction Is Bland As Was Predicted**

_001 _

_Humans are a sad species. They constantly mislead themselves, confuse themselves, and distract their own minds from the issues at hand. They hide reality under a veil, believing in the race as a whole. Why is this sad? Why is this conviction so awful?_

_Obviously belief in and of itself is not a negative influence. It's believing whole-heartedly in a falsity, an appearance, a mere illusion. And that's what humans do. They believe that they have progressed._

_Any history lesson will tell you something similar. 'We've improved', or 'over time we've…', and the like. But what does that really tell you? What exactly are we improving? Not life that's for sure. Not for the planet, or the environment. We're not even changing ourselves for the better._

_Here's an example. Thousands of years ago, prior to human-kind's takeover of the planet, life in general was much simpler. Eat or be eaten, so to speak. How important you were depended on how strong you were. How quick you could think on your feet, and how adaptable you were to your surroundings._

_Now? Has it changed? Many would say yes. The uneducated, the unaware, those people would agree readily. They might go on to say that today, we humans have evolved, that our reality is not an urban jungle, but of equals working together._

_Let me tell you why that's complete and utter bullshit. We haven't gotten better. We haven't improved. Rather, we've increased our longevity to damage other species more and more. We oppress those within our own circles and outside them, constantly pushing at others, only mentally rather than physically. And for what? False friendships? To fulfill what society considers 'normal'? The unrealistic expectations forced onto us to carry from birth?_

_We don't even treat our race the way we think we do. Or rather, the way most people think we treat them. Equalized? Everyone gets a chance? The odds are even? Impossible. It's never happened before, never happened yet, and never will._

_You can always find examples of this, from the genes passed down from parent to child, to that 'society' that people hold in such high regard. Equality, or in other words, communism with enough resources to satisfy all, is an ideal. Great in concept, but humans themselves are flawed to the extent that it was never feasible to begin with._

_We oppress, we suppress, we put down others. We shut them out, saying they were unfortunate, that there was nothing that could be done. That's life. That's how it goes._

_That's why we're no more civilized than wild dogs fighting over scraps of meat. We can delude ourselves and we can ignore our actions, but in the end life is just a competition of who's bigger, better, stronger. In fact, I'd like that. Maybe I could take out my boss, eh? Ruff ruff. I can feel my inner puppy coming out already._

_This 'journal' is a wonderful way to look and feel productive without actually get any work done. I love it._

…

I sigh, leaning back heavily on my thin chair. Did no one here understand ergonomics? It really was an awful show of knowledge. It didn't have arm rests, or adjustable height or anything. It was just a cheap, plastic chair, not even expensive enough to have padding.

Or rather, mine was. A simple glance at the surrounding workers, eagerly typing away their freedom in their respective little booths, would indicate otherwise. Loads of people had it. Many had the soft padding of cushions, or positioning that wouldn't tire the eyes out as fast amongst other things. Yet why didn't I?

I could try to make excuses for my employers. I could say that they didn't care for ergonomics. But what of everyone else? I might argue that it was expensive to get a good chair. But what about all the rest?

In truth, I had the hunch that I'd been forgotten by the man who paid my wages. But if that was normal, I'd come to expect it. After all, no one really talks to me outside of my team, and even then they always glance at me as if I weren't there.

I was truly fortunate in that regard. My co-workers always said that they knew I was too busy to invite me out for lunch. How caring! They would say that they expected someone as wonderfully dedicated as myself to be able to pay for a meal and more, so they never brought me any food, but instead borrowed. Even at company lunches, my co-workers were polite enough to point me in the direction of the healthier food that nobody would ever touch. I couldn't have it better!

Ahaha, no. That notion was almost funny. 'Couldn't have it better'? I was no novice in the urban jungle. I knew what the signs pointed to, and what the action, or rather, inactions meant. I was an outcast in a buddy-buddy team of workers.

Once I might have thought otherwise. Once, I might have believed the excuses, the petty lies spewed from upturned lips. But that was a long time ago, a very long time ago.

After all, it's not as if I was dumb. In fact, I think I'm pretty smart. That holds true for most people with degrees who've graduated though. Is intelligence really that special? Even if my co-workers expected me not to have much, there was no reason for that to be true, right?

However, unlike in my high school days, I could no longer faithfully state that the riajuu around me were below me. Within a work environment, one where I was part of a 'team' working towards a common goal, there was no 'best', except for the unsightly bragging one might make. Not that I did that, anyway.

"Hikigaya!" I hear someone call my name. Not even an honorific… Oh who was that anyway? Shima-san? Or was that the dull faced man with his cubicle opposite mine? It was so hard to keep track of the names of people you despised. How troublesome.

"Yes?" I reply, not bothering to attach a name to my response. How masterfully I just avoided the awkward situation of not remembering their name. I should get a medal for that, my proficiency at dodging these scenarios was above and beyond.

"Bug report's in." The person I thought to be Shima-san continued. "We'll need you to get to work on that."

"Alright." I confirm, switching to the report. A very lengthy list greeted me. How marvelous. Weren't there at least three more people who were capable of going through these? Why was I shafted with this?

"We'll be out for a bit, so hold down the fort, okay?" Shima-san informs me, not bothering to wait for a response. 'Hold down the fort'? What were you, an American? Was that your way of telling me that you didn't want to work? For shame. I thought we were all in this together, supporting each other, and caring for our co-workers. What a joke.

I guess I'd better start on that list.

…

It would be another half hour until they came back, smiling, laughing, doing all sorts of disgusting things. Really, one would think that at least the developer would care more about the future of their product. But no, instead he idly chatted, leaving for breaks, returning at who knows when, while I slaved away at my computer.

Truly a dictatorship, but I couldn't complain. Paid the bills well enough, and I had long since abandoned the ideal of not having to work. In this time and at my age, it was unrealistic to believe in those falsities.

Shima-san sat down adjacent to me, if that was Shima-san anyway. What, did I have to learn my co-worker's names? I glared at the screen, as if blaming it for my tedious work. But at the end of the day, money was money. It was worth it, even if I stayed in a different city from the rest of my family in order to clock in the hours.

It's odd to think about it really. This was a dream once, an overly glorified now forgotten dream. And in spite of all the evidence that pointed otherwise, all the beliefs and common sense, I had 'achieved' it. I was working on a game, as 'part of a team'.

A childish dream yes, but it was something I'd 'accomplished', if you could call it that. Few people can actually work off a dream as foolish as 'wanting to make a game', and yet here I was. The only thing was that it really wasn't anything like I'd imagined.

A living based off of creating and imagination. Recognition in spades, a one-man-army, creating a masterpiece despite all the odds: that was probably something that my feverish young mind drew up.

Reality? Not so much. A single person has their limitations, and whether they can become successful in an ever growing market is questionable. Most people don't know how to handle art, code, design, writing and sound after all. The 'success' is a far-fetched rumour. The majority of independent game makers, or 'indie' game teams don't earn a great deal either.

The work was much more tedious than I had thought, or at least my chosen path in producing the game was. Programming. Lines upon lines of nonsensical code, unless you'd been sucked in by the common claims that programming was the step towards the next generation like I had been. No one really is free of the media after all or that idealistic wreck we call 'society'.

Once I had thought my time was well spent in this industry. Once I spent hours, pouring in time, dedication, and effort along with some of the few people who had bothered to work with me, throwing in dozens of hours outside of my time. It was our blood and tears, the stench of our perseverance given form, the shoddy labour of young adults, yet to be revealed to the full truth of the world.

Of course, it turned out to be a complete flop. Barely sold, rarely if ever mentioned, and debts in the tens of thousands of Yen. With that, my rag-tag group of associates fell apart at the seams, and we all went our separate ways. Haven't heard from most of them since then, if at all.

Naturally, I was able to find a job; though retaining them was much more difficult. I've roamed from occupation to occupation, obviously exceeding the expectations and requirements, but was 'laid off' for trivial reasons. I just publicly insulted the majority of the player base? What could I say? They had it coming.

Not every time in games either, I've worked on web development, software, you name it. Even if I've never held a job for more than three years, one couldn't exactly say I was lacking in expertise.

I eventually ended up at my current occupation. Programmer. One of the three or four that actually work on this tiny project really. Unlike those riajuu, I was hired for my skills, not for relationships. Too bad this game was going to crash and burn anyway. At least they got enough money off of Camp Fire to pay my wages.

What was I supposed to be doing again? Ah right, bug fixes. At least what's-her-name was back so I didn't have the whole load on me. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be out before seven. Back to my empty apartment, with no one to greet me, not even my family. It was inconvenient, with them living in another city and me left here. Or was it? The apartment was closer to my new workplace, though small, was much closer than my hometown of Chiba.

Was it a good or a bad? An ill omen or a blessing in disguise? I didn't believe in either, so I suppose it would be neither. My heavy workload coupled with the cost of tickets and my innate laziness prevented me from returning to that place called 'home' often. That is, the home where my family lived, if that's the place to be dubbed 'home'.

Oh look, it crashed. What a mess this was. At least I knew none of the blame would fall to me, since this mechanic hadn't been my responsibility. Or, not yet it wasn't. If I didn't fix it, I'm sure that my loving co-workers would greatly enjoy someone to place the blame on. A detached individual similar to myself would do wonderfully as a scapegoat, I'm sure. I wonder where they'd get one? Haha, right.

So in the end, I was still being pushed around. My paycheck and my schedule, two things that defined how I spent over ten hours a day on, were managed by people who didn't care much for me. I was one among many, a voice trampled out by the masses. In all my numerous years, this has never changed.

I held no faith of anything happening in the near future to change this. Why would it change? Did I want it to? Sure, but that desire lacked the strength to motivate action. In all my contempt for this, I had become accustomed to it. Life felt awful, dull and like a chore, but regardless of my intentions, I had gotten used to this monotony. And in that, I feel I have lost something precious. Innocence? I honestly don't know. Maybe I should spend another ten minutes contemplating this instead of working. I'll try that.

Continuing on, had I really? Or had I convinced myself through some foul thinking that I deserved better than that? That I deserved resources that others worked for without myself putting in effort? Despite being as talented as I was, that would make no sense. Work equals reward, or at least it 'should' in how today's precious society.

Hah, I really was the best person for arguing with myself. And the only person I could argue with when arguing with myself, come to think of it.

Right. Work. Tight schedules meant more work, and more work meant more time. Ah, I guess I should wrap up this procrastination for another time.

**Disclaimer: I am not a professional programmer (though I do know a few basic languages), nor do I know what working conditions are like in Japan. While I'm at it, I also don't know what Hachiman Hikigaya's father is like, so all speculations and headcanons. I also don't own any of the characters and the like.**

**Hope the monologue was at least interesting enough, not too sure about that.**


	2. The New Year Is As Old As Expected

**The New Year Is As Old As Expected**

_Entry 002_

_Ah, the holidays. What a blissful atmosphere of childish innocence and hope. Love even, with the holidays coming 'round, surely there were some fools thinking that way. For what reason, I may never know, but around this time of year there was no end to the constant romanticizing. Why did so many stories depict the holidays to be positive? In a rosy way? Why was it?_

_I've certainly never experienced it in a positive light. They're definitely a curse that we've been pushed into accepting, and have grown used to over the years._

_Take a look at the marketing, for example. All that press, all the non-stop ads and little things prodding and nudging viewers to buy some godforsaken holiday product. "It's XX% off!" They would announce. "But oh!" They might add on. "You need three! It's that important! Thankfully, with our new sale…"_

_Why not save money by not buying into the holiday fad? It's a bandwagon, I swear it, and I'm not hopping on the train. It'd be so much more convenient if more people followed my policy of not celebrating the holidays'. I mean, it'd save others thousands in decorations, parties, gifts, you name it. People go all out 'for the holidays', despite there really being no need. What exactly do they like about this time of year?_

_If you think about it, the holidays mean another year has passed since the last. Yes the tautology may not have been necessary, but that point is important nonetheless. Are we celebrating our aging? The slow disappearance of our youth, the tedious deterioration of our bodies? Are we partying over our lost innocence, over the fact that we know that that old stalker 'Santa' doesn't exist? For all the reasons we celebrate the holiday season, the 'New Year' seems to be a pretty big one on the list. _

_But why is that? Is it because of the belief "I can change"? The thought that your current path and pace aren't set in stone and that, by the wonder of changing your calendar, you can suddenly be motivated into changing and becoming something more? _

_Sorry to all the naïve little grown-ups out there, but here's something to burst your bubble: this day, these weeks that many spend partying and rejoicing, they don't have meaning because they are inherently important, but rather they have meaning because someone decided they should._

_Remember who introduced you to the custom of celebrating this day? I don't, but surely some of you riajuu do. Parents, family, friends, the list of unaware victims goes on. We place value in this because other people do, but isn't that just trying to meet the standards of others? _

_In the end, the holiday season is about reaffirming one's own worth by placing your faith, hard earned money, and time into this belief. The belief that the holidays mean something. To believe in Christmas or the New Year, maybe even the idea of 'renewal'. The belief that these things mean anything, anything at all._

_Someday this belief will be shattered. One day, the masses will come to realize that these traditions, this faith, these beliefs, one day they will mean nothing. And so I will wait, forever if I must, for that time. Only then when I will be able to browse through my procrastination material without seeing any holiday ads. _

…

I flick through my files, reading over my journal. Wow, my latest entry made it sound like I didn't like Christmas! Who would've thought! Then again, it's completely, a hundred percent, my opinion on the matter. No doubt about it.

I grimace, thinking back to some older memories. Was this why people used to call me a 'Grinch'? What was that anyway? Some American thing? That foreigner always got so touchy everytime I argued with him.

I had quickly learned to associate negative memories with the holidays. Nothing good came out of mass-marketing techniques, and the tradition of buying things for other people. World, can't you tell I'm saving up for something? Why did you pressure me into throwing all my savings away into things for people?

Ugh, all that aside, with the end of the holidays and more importantly, our event being taken down, I could finally take a break. Ironic, isn't it? The moment the 'break' is over, I get my break. The time when most people take up their work once more is when I get to drop mine.

Cursed real-lifers. Why don't you just screw around with our trashy production in your work hours? Then I can take a break when other people take breaks. Maybe I'll even enjoy Christmas. Ha, that's funny. What a joke. I should become a stand-up comedian.

On the previous note, I had come to realize something. I didn't know whether something would still be called a Christmas present if it were weeks late. Is it still related to Christmas, or is it just 'some gift'? I was told that I'd fail my kids as a parent if I didn't get them something marvelous. Then again, I was told lots of things by advertising, and it's not like any of them mattered. Right, I shouldn't care for that. It was just a ploy for money.

What did the kids think of me anyway? I was never around these days, and even when we lived in the same house I was busy for most of the day. I interacted with my kids almost like how I was with my team at work, except I knew their names. We hardly talked about anything.

Only a few hours, and I'd find out, I suppose. My first visit back since taking up residence in my little apartment. Maybe the kids would have something to say to me. Or, I hoped so anyway.

Ah, a delay, I'd be home after lunch it seemed. I'd have to buy it somewhere. Get a MAX coffee too, the lack of MAX around my apartment was a true tragedy. I'd have to stock up.

_Hachiman. Komachi. I wonder how much you've grown._

**Alright so, I edited the first chapter slightly, and I'd like to say something now. If it's not obvious by the ending of this chapter, the Hikigaya who the story centers on is Hachiman's father, not Hachiman. I've gotten one reviewer that has mixed that up.**

**Also, this fanfiction takes place in a slightly altered universe, in which Hachiman's father has taken up another home, like a divorce, but still married. Hikigaya's too lazy to visit more often due to the commute time, to explain why he doesn't drop by more often. The next one'll be longer, I promise. Er, I'm pretty sure it'll be, at least.**

**And fanfiction, why, just why do you change the formatting from word into html and css. I had to copy/paste everything to notepad and copy/paste again to here, then add the italics and bold.**


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